


A Heart Like Yours is Hard to Find

by nawsies



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Dreams and Nightmares, Established Relationship, Female Pronouns for Pidge | Katie Holt, Keith and Shiro are Adoptive Siblings, Lance (Voltron) Angst, Lance is a self-sacrificing lil shit, M/M, Nightmares, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Poisoning, Rated T because Keith has a potty mouth, Worried Keith (Voltron), mostly - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-23
Updated: 2017-05-24
Packaged: 2018-10-09 14:32:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10414311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nawsies/pseuds/nawsies
Summary: Lance takes one for the team and the decision is brave but stupid and Keith is going to kick his ass for it when he wakes up (please let him wake up).





	1. Save Yourself for Once

**Author's Note:**

> This wasn't supposed to be multi-chapter but it got away from me? 
> 
> If you're the kind of reader who likes to have music with your fic, consider listening to [Save Yourself by Kaleo](https://youtu.be/oCi0RHLrauU/)

“You have got to be kidding me,” Lance groaned, pulling a hand down his face and leaning heavily on the balcony’s barrier. A small blue hand rested on his own offering what small comfort they could give. Around them a party raged on, the stars twinkled in the sky above them so brightly it seemed that they too celebrated the liberation of the planet. The surface of the world seemed to shine with joy and yet Lance’s own heart felt as though it were breaking. The evening had been going so nicely too.

They’d attended enough diplomatic evenings that typically they were as dull as cleaning out cryo-pods. On the whole they should be easy enough; get in, be polite, eat a meal, compliment the hosts, be gracious, solidify an agreement, get out, survive, defend the universe some more, rinse and repeat. But too often Lance couldn’t relax into them; the whole time he was worse than Keith wondering where the best evacuation routes were, who could they trust, how long would they be safe there?

But this one was different. They’d arrived and the leaders of this planet had a deal proposal that was better than Allura had hoped for, they’d signed immediately and a huge party was to be held in their honour, which was better than Lance had hoped for. A parade, a feast, dancing, revelry, it was to be a night to remember and despite all that Lance had a twisted feeling in the pit of his stomach, waiting for the worst to come.

Sometimes he wondered where the carefree pilot who called himself ‘the Tailor’ went, or if he came into space at all, because Lance could barely recognise himself. Somewhere in space when he put on his armour it stopped feeling like a costume and it became a second skin; he stopped being a kid and became a soldier. Which was why when a sense of dread settled over him, he knew to wait for the blow to fall. It didn’t make it hurt any less when it happened though.

“I’m sorry sir,” they spoke softly, their child’s voice high and tense. Lance’s heart broke to hear their sincerity, how much they wished they weren’t going to do what had to be done.

“It’s not your fault buddy.” Lance turned his head to look down at the small Omphalot. They were a bizarre race that reminded him more of humanoid furbies than an alien resistance but they had proved themselves to be far tougher and more resilient than they appeared and he had a great amount of respect for them. It was a shame that this may tarnish their alliance. “Tell me again, what the witch said.”

“She has my family, she promised to kill them all if all five Paladins left this planet unharmed. She has eyes everywhere, she will know if you leave in stealth. She gave me something to put in one of your drinks, she wanted me to put it in the Red one’s but then changed her mind and said that it would not matter who I could slip it to for a blow to any limb of Voltron would serve the Galra Empire. She did not specify a method, which is why I hope it will be safe to come to you.” They ran through the instructions like they were going over a grocery list, doing their best to sound calm but Lance could hear the terror shaking beneath their words. It surprised him to find that there was none of that fear in his own heart, the dread was gone replaced by a strange sense of calm. It wasn’t exactly déjà vu or premonition but Lance had a feeling that he knew this was coming, that he’d been here before, that he knew what choice he’d make before he even spoke.

“Then this is the plan. Keep that shit far away from the Red Paladin, just put it in my drink. I’ll be fine, I’m hard to kill and Altean medicine is crazy advanced, our healing pods can handle anything the Galra cook up. I’ll go down, they’ll patch me back up. In the meantime your family will be returned to you. The Galra are thugs, but they respect their promises, there’s no strength in going back on your word.” Lance grinned at them as they mulled it over, guilt wracking their features as much as fear did. “Come on, would I put my life on the line if I wasn’t sure this plan would work? I’m a Paladin of Voltron, trust me. By the end of the night you get to brag that you took out a leg of Voltron and saved your family, you’ll be a hero.”

“Depends on whose telling the story,” they whispered. Their fluffy ears were pulled back tight against their head, their hands twisted in the front of their shirt and bright eyes downcast.

“Doesn’t it always?”

It was no surprise that the young Omphalot wasn’t pleased with his promises but he still seemed to have found his resolve and that was what mattered. Lance hoped that their family was worth it, and as quickly as the thought came into his mind it was discarded, if they were willing to go to such lengths to protect them then they had to be. Lance sent them on their way, realising belatedly he should’ve got their name so he could check up on them later and make sure their family was safe. He supposed it was fair enough that his mind was elsewhere, like on the fact that the Galra bitch had tried to target Keith.

Lance bit down his temper before it could get the best of him. Now more than ever he had to be calm, to be rational, things that were once as likely as the sun rising in the north and setting in the south but now, well Coran had taught him a lot about responsibility. Lance hoped he’d be proud. He wanted to go and thank him, to say farewells just in case, but any of his space family would see through him before he could finish a word of what he wanted to say. No, he could not say his goodbyes, he had a role to act and he would perform perfectly.  

With a potential suicide plan in motion and time against him, Lance went to find Keith. He was easy to find, crowded by admirers who gushed over his bravery and instincts. Lance smiled softly, heart full to burst with pride. They’d been dating for nearly two years now and even still he couldn’t quite believe that someone who shone so brightly would choose to love him.

“Hey love,” Lance wrapped his arm round Keith’s waist and spun him so that they were chest to chest, he brushed the hair from his face and caressed his cheek softly before he leaned in for a quick kiss. Keith’s admirers drifted away politely and Lance was grateful.

“Hello,” Keith smiled at him, wrapping his own arms tight around Lance. “Did you do something dumb?”

“No more than usual.”

“Why doesn’t that fill me with confidence?”

“Because you know me too well.” Lance nuzzled his face in Keith’s hair as they shifted so they could walk side by side into the great hall. “But I promise that tonight I’m on my best behaviour.”

“That’s not saying much,” Keith tucked himself closer to Lance’s side and Lance knew that he knew something was up. Keith wasn’t usually so affectionate in public, unless he was worried about Lance and needed to assure himself that he wasn’t going anywhere. Which Lance usually thought was ridiculous, as if he’d be the one to leave, but maybe Keith’s fears weren’t so unwarranted.

“Are you having fun?” Lance asked, if his acting wasn’t up to par he was going to have to command the conversation.

“I want dinner already, I’m starving.”

“Do you think it’ll be food goo or will we get some good alien cuisine?”

“As long as it’s better than whatever that breakfast you made was then I’m happy.”

Lance fake gasped, pulling away and giving Keith his most scandalized look. “How dare you! That was made with love!”

Keith snorted. “Even love couldn’t save that dish.”

“Clearly,” Lance muttered, “because then you’d humour me about how delicious it was.”

“Aw, is someone sensitive about his cooking abilities,” teased Keith, “do you need me to give you lessons?”

“I don’t need any lessons from you Mullet.”

“Maybe you should think about learning some better nicknames, babe,” Keith leaned forward and grinned up at Lance, which was incredibly unfair. He knew what calling him ‘babe’ did to Lance, and what that grin did. Lance had a comeback on the tip of his tongue and suddenly his brain was mush and his cheeks were flushed. “Quiznak Lance, two years and you still can’t cope?”

“Like you’re any better, love,” said Lance defensively. He folded his arms over his chest and watched as the purple blush rose on Keith’s cheeks.

“You’re both hopeless,” Pidge emerged from the crowd and stood between them with a sigh. “I thought that we wouldn’t have to suffer this past the first couple of months but no, here you are, ruining every occasion with whatever this is. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again, just put me in the ground.”

Keith and Lance rolled their eyes at her, Pidge just gave them this look that said, ‘I’ve seen this before and I will not hesitate to call you out on your bullshit’, it was a look they had perfect long ago and it was eerie how well Lance recognized it.

“Fine, no more romance. Sorry Keith, we’re taking a break,” Lance took a giant side step away and nearly crashed into a bright pink and yellow Omphalot who was trying to walk by. He apologised repeatedly while Keith and Pidge fell about laughing.

“Why do we let you out of the Castle?” Pidge laughed.

“Rude,” Lance huffed. “Keith and I were having a lovely bonding moment and bad things only happened when you showed up Gremlin. Where’d you come from anyway, I’ve barely seen you around.”

“You were out on that balcony with the blue Omphalot for ages,” Keith pointed out, “doubt you would’ve seen her anyway.”

“He was telling me about how brave and talented I was in battle,” Lance grinned.

“Of course he was,” said Keith.

“I met an Omphalot named Ithira, they were cool they’re involved in weapons development. They showed me their tech, let me download some data, we chatted for a bit, ran out of things to say, I got bored and came and found you two knuckle-heads.”

“Sounds like your perfect evening,” said Lance.

“It will be if the food is good,” Pidge shrugged. “Last place everything tasted of peanuts and it made me uncomfortable.”

“Well looks like we’re about to find out,” Keith pointed across the hall to where an Omphalot in the servant uniform was ushering guests into the dining hall.

The Omphalots spared no expense when it came to their architecture. The castle they were in currently was the centrepiece of their town, large enough that over a thousand Omphalots could dine there comfortably, which apparently was a regular occurrence as dining together was ‘vital for community cohesion’. Although the style of art was different the building itself put Lance in the mind of the Italian cathedrals he’d seen photos of, great high ceilings, fine details on the walls and colour everywhere; there was a reverence in the crafting of this building.

The dining hall they entered was the true crowning jewel. The roof of this room was clear enough that when Lance looked up he could see the stars but whatever it was made from was coloured so that as he walked down the room it looked like the sky above him was vibrant and dancing. It was a feat of genius and beauty that had the Paladins in silent awe staring above themselves. Long silver tables were arranged in rows down the length of the room, with one round table at the front where King Eorg of the Omphalots, Allura, Shiro and Hunk were already seated. Lance slid in beside Hunk and Pidge took his other side. Keith sat opposite him beside Shiro.

“Three cheers, for the Paladins of Voltron!” exclaimed the leader of the Omphalots. He sounded so proud that he’d got the phrase right but it was clear no one told the crowd how to respond. Thankfully cheers of relief and gratitude were a multi-universal language, the air was full of noise as they stomped the ground and whooped to the dancing sky in their own tongues.

“Thank you,” said Allura, her voice resounding through the room, reaching every ear without the aid of a microphone. The acoustics were another feat of architectural success.  “Your people and your neighbours have suffered greatly under the Galra, but no more! Their forces are dwindling, their hold on this galaxy is loosening and I promise you, as Queen of Altea and Guardian of Voltron, you will never be enslaved again!”

Short as the speech was no matter how many times they heard the speech the Paladins all felt it deep in their hearts, they stood taller and prouder at Allura’s side. It was a rare gift in a leader that she did not use them as steps to climb higher, but built a platform all of her own and made them feel worthy to stand as they did, made them feel equal despite everything.

But despite his pride, Lance’s dread mounted to a crescendo in his heart. While joking with Keith and Pidge it was easy to forget what he’d agreed to. His eyes scanned over the room and he found the Omphalot who had approached him near the front table, he sent him a wink but the solemn look on their face didn’t change. The time had come. In his head he apologised to Pidge that they wouldn’t get to taste the food tonight. He lifted his glass in toast alongside his friends, he pressed two fingers to the back of Hunk’s hand, he mouthed ‘I love you’ to Keith across the table, and downed his drink before they had the chance to do something dumb. For a moment he felt silly, this was clearly some kind of practical joke because nothing was happening, but then the burning started.

His chest felt as though it were caving in on itself.

His mouth filled with blood that roared like wildfire.

His veins carried lightning through his body.

He chose this but that did not prepare him for the magnitude of his decision. He did this to protect Keith though, and he would burn a hundred times over if it meant that he would live.

Time passed, he fell, arms caught him. Through the pain he looked up into violet eyes filled with tears. Hands that he knew as well as his own held his face tenderly despite the rage wracking their voice as they screamed. Lance wished he had a voice to put him at ease, but his tongue was lead in his mouth, his words were ash, his heart was dust and as much as he wanted to keep him from harm but he was alight and one wrong breath would scatter him in the wind. So he closed his eyes against the storm and found his own solace deep within where he could reforge himself like he were steel, melted down and made anew.

 

* * *

 

The second Lance’s drink passed his lips, chaos fell. Keith dove across the table sending food, drink and the other guests flying. He was there in time to catch Lance as he collapsed. He lay him down gently on the ground and checked for his pulse which was strong but too fast, far too fast. Keith’s hands moved on their own to cradle his face as he yelled his name over and over but there was no response. Lance’s eyelids fluttered a few times, those eyes, those beautiful ocean eyes were cold and dim before they closed completely.

“No!” Keith screamed. He was aware of Hunk kneeling down beside him, his hand was shaking terribly as he reached out to Lance’s shoulder. Pidge was opposite them, standing frozen, staring at Lance’s body. Allura stood beside them, hands clasped over her mouth in shock. Keith didn’t see Shiro until he was on the other side of him, hand wrapped over his shoulders.

“If he is to have any chance of surviving, we have to get him to the Castle,” said Shiro. It was more of a comfort than he could’ve known that he took charge in that moment.

The trip back to the Castle was a blur for Keith. He knew that Shiro carried Lance, that Pidge and Hunk cleared a path through the chaos, that they were lucky the Castle was landed on the planet and not orbiting, but all Keith really remembered was looking at Lance and seeing how limp he was in Shiro’s arms and being utterly convinced they were too late, they couldn’t get to the Castle fast enough and he was powerless.

Now, in the medical bay, Keith was pacing alongside the edge of the bed where Lance lay. Coran had been doing tests for too long. Everyone else had moved off to find their own solace until they heard word but Keith couldn’t bring himself to leave. He came to stand beside Coran and looked down at Lance’s face, no longer placid and now twisted with pain. In the quiet medical room he could hear Lance’s breathing, hear his heartbeat through the monitors but it was barely a comfort when his breath was laboured and his heart was racing.

“Please tell me you’re nearly finished with this, you have to do something, get him into a healing pod or, something” Keith pleaded. “Please, he’s dying.”

“He is not dying, not yet at least.” as usual Coran’s words were more cryptic than comforting but the soothing tone and gentle hand on his back set Keith at ease, even if it was all coming from the wrong person. “I must admit, I have not seen such a toxin before. Galra poisons are tricky, I have to find out what it is before I can administer a cure, for fear of making things far worse. Please be patient.”

Before Keith could rage at Coran for telling him to be patient at a time like this, when there was no _time_ to just be sitting around twiddling his thumbs, a small blue head poked around the door to the infirmary.

“Excuse me?” their voice was high and tense, their too big black eyes shining with tears. “The green one told me where to find you, I wanted to…” They trailed off, their words shaking as much as they were. “Is the Blue Paladin OK?”

“No he’s not fucking OK,” Keith snarled. The small Omphalot flinched back into the hall, they seemed to deliberate leaving but Coran invited them in before they got far.

“Keith,” Coran scolded, “I am just as worried about Lance as you are, we are all worried for the boy but you cannot take it out on innocent bystanders. Please, come and rest, the Blue Paladin is a great deal of pain but for the time being he is stable.”

The Omphalot made his way over but didn’t sit as Coran offered, instead they hovered a metre or so away from the bed with their hands clasped behind their back and eyes pinned to the ground.

“What is your name?” Coran asked.

“Harlec,” they said, “son of Harric.”

“It is a pleasure to meet you Harlec, I wish it could be under better circumstances.”

“You were talking to him before the banquet,” blurted Keith, suddenly realising why he looked so familiar. Harlec flinched away. “What did you say to him?”

Harlec’s face pulled together and tears rolled down his cheeks as he told him, he told them of the witch’s plan, of the poisoned drinks, of Lance’s bravery and jokes as he chose to do something so brave but so stupid.

And all of Keith’s rage slipped away like the tide going out, and as the waves rolled back in there was nothing but grief.  He had never known pain like this, grief beyond anger. He stared up at the flickering infirmary light but it did nothing to prevent the tears. He had never cried so much in his life but it seemed Lance had given him an ocean.

“What else could I have done?” Harlec asked, he heard their innocence in their voice, their own fear and with the absence of rage Keith wanted to have Hunk’s way of comforting people in the darkest times but he didn’t, he was drowning and he had no comfort to give.

“Anything but kill my Lance,” Keith tightened the fingers that had come to rest Lance’s hair ever so slightly, afraid of causing him any more pain but needing that physical anchor to remind him of himself. “Anything but this.”

“I’m sorry,” Harlec apologised again, taking a small step back towards the door. He had come to make amends but he felt now that it was the wrong time.

“Are your family safe?” Coran asked, Keith was ashamed the thought hadn’t even crossed his mind.

Harlec nodded. “They’re at home, when they reappeared I came here. He told me that he’d be OK too.”

Keith gritted his teeth, of-fucking-course Lance did, he would never put such a weight on a kid’s shoulders without giving them some kind of out. He probably didn’t expect the kid to come looking for him, thought that he’d just go off and live his life believing the Blue Paladin to be healed.

“Did Haggar tell you the name of the poison?” Coran asked.

“No, I’m sorry.”

“You do not have to apologise.”

“I do though, I hurt you all, I was selfish I…”

“You chose your family over strangers,” Coran said, “as Lance chose his family over himself. You were not selfish, you were put in an impossible situation and made an impossible decision. I for one, am proud of you, and I am sure your family are too. Even Keith, although he is hurting, knows that you made a wise choice. You were right in your choice and you were right to come here.”

As he spoke Harlec’s sobs subsided into sniffles and hiccups. Coran offered to have someone walk him home but he refused, he made his apologies again and was gone.

“We’ll have to leave this planet,” Keith pointed out. His voice gave away his exhaustion, he sounded completely drained.

“True, five healthy paladins cannot leave without Haggar returning for Harlec’s family,” said Coran. “I will go tell Allura to take us into orbit. And you Keith, you must go and rest.”

“I’m not leaving him.”

“Then rest in one of the other beds here, but you must rest Keith,” Coran gave the monitors one more scan, “I will be back as soon as I can be.”

Keith didn’t want to leave Lance’s side but there was no way of pushing a bed alongside his without getting in the way of Coran’s tech, and much as he wanted to be as close as he could be he didn’t want to get in the way of Lance’s recovery. He chose a bed as close as could be though, and lay down facing Lance, eyes locked on the furrow of his brows and wished that he could take away his pain. While he didn't want to rest, when his head hit the pillow the choice left him and he drifted off into a dreamless sleep. 


	2. Disaster Hearts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A miraculously easy recovery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick thank you to everyone who left kudos/commented on the first chapter! I really really appreciate it from the bottom of my heart, and it kept me motivated through this chapter, sorry that it took so long to update! I am not a fast writer.

_“I’d give anything Shiro,” said Lance, his hand resting against the glass face of the healing pod just over Keith’s heart, “anything at all to never see any of you in one of these again.”_

_“And he’d hate you for it,” said Shiro. His words harsh, but true._

_“You know what?” Lance asked._

_“What?” Shiro responded after the silence dragged on so long it seemed Lance had forgotten all about his presence._

_“I think,” Lance paused, pulling his hand back from the glass and tucking it against his chest like he was burned, “I think I could be OK with that…if he was alive.”_

 

* * *

 

The infirmary lacked colour. The whole castle had suffered from that problem when they first got there but after years of scouring markets for souvenirs and receiving gifts from those they’d saved – they had filled it with life. Except the infirmary. Probably because they liked to spend as little time in there as possible. Even when someone was injured they tended to go elsewhere for comfort. They’d learned soon enough that standing outside a cryopod won’t make it open any faster. 

No one minded too much, and so the infirmary was kept clean and white and sterile. It was fine. Or at least it was fine until Keith discovered how shocking it was to wake up in a bright white room to a vibrant orange moustache dancing centimetres above his face. The shriek he let out was ungodly as he scrambled off the bed and fell to the floor with a thud.

“Coran!” Keith snapped, hand over his heart as he tried to get his breath back. “Personal space!”

“Sorry my boy, but it was harder to pull you out of sleep than pulling Pidge away from new tech,” Coran grinned. A part of Keith was flattered that their little family had made it into Coran’s anecdotes and analogies. “And if it makes up for my lack of manners, you’ll be pleased to hear that I’ve got answers. Good ones too!”

Keith perked up, propelling himself off the ground and to Lance’s bedside. There was a part of him that expected to see those blue eyes wide and clear but no, they were clamped tight and his brows furrowed into one another. Although it hurt to see him like this, Keith smiled softly to himself thinking about how stressed Lance would be about wrinkles. He took Lance’s hand in his own and rubbed his thumb over his knuckles, he couldn’t tell if Lance gripped back or if it was his own imagination but at least he felt better for it.

“From what I’ve observed, and with some information from the Blade, I understand this poison is intended to cause hallucinations of the things that you fear most until the nervous system is overwhelmed, too much adrenaline is produced and ‘boom’!” Coran threw his hands in the air, then fell back into his chair dramatically, tilting his head to the side with his tongue dangling out. After his pantomime, he sat up straight again, readjusted his jacket and met Keith’s eye. “For Lance’s human heart, that would prove fatal.”

Keith took all his excitement back. He wasn’t sure he’d wanted to hear these answers. “So, you’re telling me Lance isn’t just in physical pain right now but is being mentally tortured until he dies of fright?”

“Well when you put it like that it sounds rather grim,” said Coran. He scooted his chair to rest his elbows on the edge of Lance’s bed and propped his chin in his hands. “But there is good news. It is a more hopeful poison than many the Galra have in their artillery. So long as we can keep Lance comfortable and safe that should be enough to keep his nervous system functioning like a Ryozoid matrix. You really don’t know about the Ryozoid matrix? What do they teach you in Earthern education systems? It’s really quite an efficient programming system…”

“Lance,” stated Keith, hoping to get the man back on topic now that he’d started talking more optimistically.

“Ah yes, I don’t believe the Galra anticipated the resilience and strength of the human nervous system, nor its complexity. Lance’s body will work through the poison in a matter of days even without a healing pod. He would heal in a matter of hours when I can manufacture an antidote. Although until then a pod may be necessary to sustain his body’s nutrients…” Coran trailed off, staring intently at Lance for a moment as though he’d sit up and tell him what to do. He turned to Keith, with a sudden softness in his expression that Keith had noticed he seemed to get around Lance. “It’s interesting though, I believe the toxin would have decimated a Galra’s mind. They couldn’t know that your human DNA could’ve saved you but if what Harlec told us is true, Lance did this to save your life. I hope that’s of some comfort to you.”

Keith wasn’t sure if it was comforting or not. It wasn’t the first time Lance had taken a blow for him and he knew it wouldn’t be the last, no matter how many times he raged at him for it. Lance’s selflessness made him who he was, it was a large part of what made him the Blue Paladin, he couldn’t give it up. It didn’t make it any easier for Keith to cope when seeing him injured like this.

“So what do we do now?” Keith asked. “Just, wait?”

“Not exactly,” Coran stood up and spun his arms out, his spine cracking multiple times and indicating to Keith how long he’d been hunched over scouring data for answers. “As I said, I want to manufacture an antidote and to do so I need certain supplies, shouldn’t be too hard to come by. We need to do it stealthily though, if the Galra are watching, then we have to present a castle in mourning. Allura is already making a grand show of committing diplomatic suicide with the Omphalots, then she’ll have her work cut out for her rebuilding those bridges on secret channels. Come to think of it, I believe Pidge’s stealth function on the Green Lion would be particularly handy…” Coran trailed off, as he tended to do when he thought through plans aloud. The silence stretched between them, Keith waited patiently until Coran suddenly startled as though he had forgotten Keith’s existence entirely. “Any who, Lance should be up and regaling us with his usual tales of bravery in a matter of days.”

“But, he’ll be in pain until we get this antidote?”

“I have considered sedating him but I don’t want to risk slowing his brain functions while it’s under attack, I can’t say if it would help or hinder his recovery.” Coran shooed him out of the room, “for now, your hovering won’t fix anything, go eat, tell the other Paladins what we know. I’ll work on the fastest route to get to the places that have what we need.”

“Lance gets stressed on his own,” Keith blurted out. “Don’t leave him until I get back.”

Coran’s eyes were soft as he nodded. “You have my word.”

 

* * *

 

_Lance faded between dreams and nightmares. He was grateful for Keith’s presence in both; even when he hurt him._

_Keith spoke in Spanish; nightmare. He’d never taught him words that cruel._

_Keith apologised over and over; dream. Keith would never admit when he was wrong._

_Lance closed his eyes against the world but it was all still there behind his eyelids._

_Slow mocking applause shook the Earth beneath his feet. Blood spilled around the edges of the world. A knife in his chest glowed purple. His own face smiled at him open and warm, young and without the scars that marred him now. Eyes shone blue. Eyes shone gold. A thousand eyes on him._

_A door not quite closed._

_“He brings you pain,” Shiro’s voice._

_Lance shouldn’t be there he knew it. It hurt._

_“He used to,” Keith’s voice, angry, defensive, passionate. “But he’s grown up a lot, which I shouldn’t need to tell you, you already know that.”_

_A sigh. “If you’re sure, then you don’t need my blessing.”_

_“But I want it.”_

_No answer. No closure. No foundation. Lance felt the fragility of Keith’s presence. The ground wasn’t solid. It was leaves covering a pit. Lance fell._

_Blood. Nightmare._

_Hands. Dream_

_Burden. Nightmare._

_Loved. Dream._

__-

Keith’s legs felt heavier the further he moved away from Lance, like there was some force pushing him back and telling him that it wasn’t safe to go so far away. What if Coran was wrong? What if Lance’s condition changed and he breathed his final breath without Keith there to hold his hand? Suddenly he understood why people waited in hospitals, the healing pods had made them all feel safe, nothing bad could happen while the crazy advanced alien magic did its work, but without it? The body could fail in any number of ways. Keith hated this insecurity.

He forced himself into the dining room though and once he was through the door there was no going back.

Hunk rose from the table first. Keith took in the bags under his eyes and the way his broad shoulders drooped as he searched Keith’s face for answers. Lance and Shiro knew all of Keith’s subtleties, but to everyone else he was still something of a closed book.

“Any change?” He demanded.  Keith shook his head and he felt the way the atmosphere fell around him. Hunk guided him into the seat beside Pidge and placed a plate of food goo on the table in front of him. He dropped himself back into the seat on Keith’s other side. Keith didn’t like to think about how that was always Lance’s spot, it made him want to vault off the chair and run back to the infirmary and check Lance’s pulse again.

“Lance will be fine, we all know how tough he is, he’s come through worse,” Shiro stated. Keith didn’t think it was his place to comment, but it certainly sounded a lot more like Shiro was trying to convince himself than convince them.

Pidge mumbled something into her food goo that didn’t sound complimentary. Shiro’s head darted in her direction but Keith saw how he chose to let it go, flicking a bit of food goo at her instead of giving a lecture. Pidge didn’t even flinch, just kept tightening a screw.

“Coran says it’s not life-threatening,” Keith blurted out. He realised he maybe should have led with that one when Pidge punched him in the arm so hard it went numb.

“What the fuck dude!?” Pidge swore, they turned back to fidgeting over what Keith assumed was Rover mark three. “I can’t believe you would come in here mopey as all hell like Lance is fucking dead in that infirmary and not open with the key fact that he’ll be OK!”

“Language Pidge,” Shiro chided. He gave a nod to Hunk who had started scolding her as well.

Pidge shoved their project away from them and sat back in their seat with a huff. “Sorry, I’m just so stressed I can’t even concentrate, when I can’t work I feel useless.”

“Coran needed to talk to you about your lion’s stealth abilities,” Keith offered, “he wants to collect stuff for an antidote, apparently you’re the perfect Paladin for the job.”

“Of course I am,” Pidge puffed up proudly, they gathered their tech to their chest and made their way out the dining room. “I’ll go find Coran.”

“Pushing food around your plate isn’t eating it,” Hunk nudged Keith’s shoulder with his own. “I know that they're good entertainment but I’m not letting you go back to the infirmary until that plate is empty.”

Keith took a few bites of food goo diligently, Hunk watching him with every bite until he felt sure he was actually looking after himself. With each bite, Keith ran through battle scenarios in his head; how he could find Haggar, how he could shove the poison down her throat and watch her choke on her own worst fears. He swallowed down the aggression, it felt like the Galra part of him that he tried to keep under lock and key rising to the surface. But, at the same time, there was an undeniable satisfaction in thinking about revenge.

“You’re going to want to perk up a bit Keith, or else Hunk is going to keep feeding you,” Shiro warned. Keith laughed awkwardly as Hunk spluttered weakly in his defence. 

“Like you’re not planning on taking him to the training room to make him work his anxiety out of his system!” Hunk protested. 

Shiro stood and put his bowl in the dumbwaiter. “Am I that predictable?”

“I think I’m the predictable one,” said Keith. Hunk laughed so hard he collapsed over the table and Keith’s eyes darted to him, full of concern. “What? Did I say something wrong?”

“Oh man, I’m sorry, you’re fine it’s just the idea of you being predictable,” Hunk continued to cackle and his words were breathy and stumbling into one another. “The only predictable thing about you is that no one has any idea what you’re going to do next.”

Keith pouted. “I’m not that bad.”

“You’re pretty bad,” said Shiro. “When she first met you the Red Lion probably hesitated because she sensed you were too impulsive and unpredictable, then took responsibility for taming you.”

“Rude. Some brother you are,” Keith spat.

“I'm the best brother. If Hunk says you’re good to go then we’re off to the training room to work off some of that aggression, what other brother would let you use him as a punching bag?” Shiro tutted at Keith.

Hunk had a spoonful of food goo and was staring at it intently, shifting his head this way and that and making little inquisitive noises every now and again. When he realised that Keith and Shiro were staring at him he yelped and dropped the spoon in his bowl. “Did you ask me something?”

“He’s waiting to ask if I can go outside and play,” said Keith.

“Um, of course?” Hunk looked confused and Keith smiled at him comfortingly.

“Thanks mum,” Keith joked as he stood to go with Shiro. Keith wondered if he should swing by the infirmary again first but decided against it, he was obsessing and he needed to distract himself. This would be better for both of them; Lance was so empathetic Keith was pretty sure he’d adopt Keith’s panic even while he was unconscious.

He was halfway out the door before Hunk yelled at him to get back and do his dishes and Keith and Shiro’s laughter rung out down the hallway clear as a bell.

 

* * *

 

_He’d been here once before. These shackles were a weight he’d woken up to day after day. Sometimes they followed him still. No one spoke of them._

_Lance looked up. Yellow eyes. Purple skin. Red lines. Druid._

_They wanted him to tell him something. He couldn’t remember now. They did something. Twisted something inside of him. Irreplaceable, incandescent: irreparable, inconspicuous. He didn’t talk about it. He didn’t look at it. He couldn’t. It would break him. But now they pulled at his chains._

_Blood on his hands. Shoulders dislocated. Eyes held open._

_Lance screamed._

 

* * *

 

Shiro and Keith collapsed on the ground next to each other, panting and laughing after setting up a Call of Duty style competition with the drones. Keith had to remember to thank Pidge for setting that one up, it made it far more fun than just the same levels over and over again. And because it was so varied and exciting, Keith managed to get through a couple hours without compulsively worrying about Lance’s condition. More importantly he worked through his thirst for Haggar’s blood; he was too exhausted for vengeance.

“When you dove down off the second floor and Wolverine-ed that drone,” said Shiro, using his hands to act out the situation he was talking about, “that was great Keith.”

Keith laughed, holding his own hands in the air and wiggling his fingers. “If only I could go full Galra and grow some talons.”

“I think we’re all glad you can’t do that.”

“I’m glad the Galra still use swords and don’t Wolverine us.”

“Who would win in a fight, Wolverine or Kolivan?”

“Wolverine.” Keith said immediately. “No contest.”

"How quickly you turn on your father-figure!” Shiro laughed. He stood up and wiped the sweat from his forehead before reaching down to help Keith to his feet. 

Keith’s retort was there on his tongue when a half-strangled scream of agony tore its way through the castle and right through Keith’s heart.

“Lance,” Keith whispered, his bayard clattered to the ground behind him as he tore from the training room, footsteps echoing down the empty hallways as he pushed himself to get to the infirmary faster. Another scream tore its way through his very soul and Keith wanted to scream back. How could he spend his time laughing and fighting while Lance was in agony? How could have he been so selfish?

Keith thought that he could handle anything the Galra threw at them by now. It felt like he’d seen it all, dozens of Robeasts, crazy powerful druids, hordes of drones but there was something unimaginable about hearing the man you love scream in agony with no way of helping.

He slid into the infirmary and nearly sent Coran flying as he met the older man in the doorway. He shoved his way around him and darted to Lance’s side. Lance was ashen and shaking, there was blood running from his nose and his breathing was laboured. Keith fell to his knees by Lance’s bed and held Lance’s hand up to his cheek and pressed his face into it.

Coran was around the other side of Lance’s bed, his eyes frantically scanning the monitors for answers.

“What happened?” Keith asked.

“I’m not sure.” Coran’s voice was thick with guilt. “I was in the Green Lion’s hangar, I had just sent number five, sorry, Pidge, off. I am glad I did, it seems Lance’s condition has worsened, his vitals dropped, his heart is struggling. I do not understand, he was making progress when I left…”

“Lance’s biggest fear is being alone,” Hunk supplied, Keith wasn’t sure when he arrived but he realised that Shiro had followed them in too. “Maybe everything got worse when he couldn’t hear anyone?”

Keith clutched at Lance’s hand tighter. “I’m here Lance. I don’t know if you can hear me but I’m here.”

To Keith’s surprise Lance’s fingers twitched. He startled back and found Lance looking at him with eyes half open, full of fondness and pain.

“I know you’re here. To die by your side, the pleasure and privilege is mine,” Lance rasped, his voice was so weak that Keith had to guess meaning by lip-reading most of it.

“Don’t you dare ruin the Smiths for me you idiot,” Keith snapped. There was no force behind it, any energy he had left was gone from the moment Lance’s fingers twitched, and hope and fear barrelled into him with all the force of the Red Lion.

“How did I convince you to love me?” Lance whispered.  

“How could I not?” Keith asked, pressing his fingers into the gaps between Lance’s own and holding on as tight as he could.

“I am quite marvellous.”

“Arrogant even at death’s door.”

“Can I let you in on a secret?” Lance waited as Keith leaned closer, his breath ghosted over Keith’s ear and Lance knew he didn’t have long before he was pulled back under but he’d be damned if he went down without a fight. “I’m running from that door as fast as I can.”

Lance’s eyes screwed shut with pain and he began to whimper. Keith bit down his anger as he watched Lance thrash, he clung to his hand as tightly as he dared and watched in horror as Lance’s nose started bleeding again and his eyelids fluttered to show hints of bloodshot white.

Coran injected something into Lance’s neck and he fell still, his hand going limp in Keith’s own and his breathing slowly settling out.

“We should start a rotation,” Shiro ordered, “until Pidge gets back with the antidote, someone will always be at his side.”

“I should’ve been here,” Keith blamed himself. How could he not? He knew that Lance didn’t cope being alone, he knew this and he left and he failed Lance. He should have trusted his gut that morning.

“You can’t blame yourself Keith,” said Coran. “You told me not to leave him, and I foolishly took the risk.”

Keith didn’t respond, he didn’t want to point the finger at anyone else, he just wanted Lance to wake up and get in on the Wolverine vs Kolivan debate, and for him to tease Hunk about breakfast, and for him to take up the space everyone else had been trying to fill all day. Keith wanted Lance to kiss him and tell him he loved him and that he wouldn’t leave, because Keith felt angry and small and alone and he hated feeling weak.

“I’ll take first watch,” Hunk pulled up a chair beside Keith and collapsed into it. “Keith, you and Shiro should really go shower, you smell terrible. Also eat something. Also bring me something to do. Also, someone should check on Allura, she’s been negotiating with the Omphalot people for hours and I think she’s going to snap soon.”  

With that, Coran dashed off muttering about his regrets neglecting the Princess. Keith gently lay Lance’s hand back down and stumbled to his feet, Shiro grabbed his arm and steadied him.

“I’ll look after him,” Hunk promised Keith as Shiro guided him away.

 

* * *

 

_As if through heavy fog Lance saw Shiro wrap his arms round Keith and pull him close, shushing him and patting his back. It was a tender moment, heavy with an intimacy which made Lance’s heart tremble. The fog cleared. They moved, side and side. Keith’s head rested on Shiro’s shoulder, dark circles weighing down his red-rimmed eyes. When he noticed Lance staring, he lurched forward and Lance realised he’d been holding his hand all this time. How strange._

_"Is he here to take you away from me?” Lance asked. His voice was so much weaker than he’d ever heard it that for a moment he wasn’t sure if it was him who had spoken. His voice was strangled, though for once he felt no pain._

_“No,” Keith shook his head vehemently, clutching Lance’s hand tighter and bringing it to his face to press kisses across his knuckles. “I swear, no one will ever take you away from me Lance. You hear me? I am yours forever.”_

_“And I’m yours.” Lance whispered, memories of a conversation like this flickered through his mind but they were brittle, fragile things that crumbled away when he tried to examine them. At least he could still feel Keith’s lips against his hands. At least that was real._

 

* * *

 

“How is he?” Pidge asked as she came in carrying an assortment of vials, leaves and odd golden wands in her arms which she laid out carefully on Coran’s desk.

“He woke up once in the night again, when Shiro came to take over from me,” Keith yawned and stretched his arms out wide. “I don’t think he was lucid.”

“How much did you sleep last night?”

“Um…I didn’t?”

Pidge reached over the bed and slapped him. “I’m the insomniac on this ship, you can’t take my identifier. Get your own disorder.”

“I promise once he wakes up I’ll be back to sleeping fully clothed and dead to the world.” Keith put his hand over his heart with faux sincerity.

“Well he should be up and about in no time,” Allura breezed into the room clapping her hands together, she gave Lance’s free hand a quick squeeze and turned her attention to Pidge. “Welcome back, I trust the expedition went well?”

“It was a breeze, I was in an out of each place without anyone recognizing me. Foolish aliens.” Pidge sounded far too proud of herself for that, she frightened Keith ever so slightly.

“Coran should be here in just a…” Allura was cut off but Coran’s loud exclamation of joy as he rushed to the desk.

“Golden elder straws!” Coran lifted one of the odd golden wands and, to Keith’s surprise, bit an inch off the end of it. “I never thought you would actually find these rarities!”

“Rarities?” Pidge asked, right as Keith demanded to know why Coran had sent her to find something that couldn’t be found.

“They were a special candy of my youth,” Coran said around his mouthful while he ripped leaves from stalks their stalks, placing them in a bowl and then measuring out drops from each vial. Coran lifted another of the wands, and waved it in the air “delicious, sweet, a real treat! But also, when brewed at a high enough temperature they have fantastic medical properties as painkillers and muscle relaxants. My good friend Kajara used to slip it into our Commanding Officer’s tea hoping it would put him in a better mood, it rarely worked but we did all sorts of illicit things to get our hands on these straws, that was half the fun.”

Coran put the concoction in what looked to Keith like a mini cryo-pod, when the door of it slid shut, it lit up with the brilliant light blue colour Keith had come to associate with Altean energy. When Coran pulled it back out moments later the mixture was a light pink pearlescent liquid, he drew some of it into a syringe which he promptly injected Lance with.

“In a few hours he should come right,” Coran breathed out a sigh.

“I’ll go tell Hunk and Shiro!” Pidge exclaimed, they seemed fairly composed as they walked out of the infirmary but Keith caught sight of her skipping in the hallway before she moved off.

“I’m here to take this watch Keith,” Allura took the empty seat beside him and gave him a nudge, “I know you need your rest.”

“No, I have to be here when he wakes up,” Keith folded his arms and sunk into the chair. “I can rest here fine.”

Allura smiled at him, settling into her own chair. “As you wish, how about you tell me your favourite memory of Lance, to pass the time?”

Keith sifted through the memories, it was an impossible thing to choose just one favourite. There were memories that at the time had annoyed him, but now he cherished. There were those that were so full of love and relief but also tinged with fear that he didn’t know if that taint ruined them. Even the worst memories had their ups and their downs and Keith treasured every moment with Lance. For better or for worse. But really, when it came down to the heart of the matter, there was one memory that shone brighter than all the others.

“Well,” Keith began, “when Lance first told me he loved me…”

 

* * *

 

 

_A hand in his. Water spraying up his back as he sprinted across a beach. The smell of his mother’s cooking in the air. His hair sticking in every direction as the sea salt dried. Blue’s gentle purr in the back of his mind. A firm handshake and a ‘good job’. Hunk’s hugs. Explanations of tech more advanced than he could comprehend. Face masks and long talks about romance and possibility. A love that swallowed up all his fear. A family. A home._

Violet eyes. Not looking at him, but staring off at something in the distance. Long hair, tugged back into a ponytail. Strong arms folded across a chest that was scattered with scars like a rocky cliff face. Beauty, grace, strength; alive. Lance stared at Keith and his mind became an echo chamber shouting ‘alive’ over and over again. He didn’t know if he meant it for himself or for Keith.

“Keith…” Lance whispered, tears gathering in his eyes as he tugged his lip into his mouth, though he tasted blood and immediately let it go, assuming that he had gnawed on it enough while he was out.

Keith’s head whipped round to face Lance. His eyes widened and a smile, so wide Lance thought his face would split apart, burst across his features. “Lance,” Keith breathed, “you’re awake.”

“Takes more than crazy Galra poison to keep me down,” Lance grinned, the weakness in his voice was a giveaway for how far they still had to go to a full recovery. Keith surged forward and kissed him, eyes squeezed shut and hands finding each other and holding on tight.

Keith’s anger melted away. At himself, at Hagger, all of it. Keith would apologise to Harlec for losing it. He would go on any space mall mission Coran wanted to go on. He would eat every creation Hunk made. He would give Haggar a day or two to get running because Lance was awake, smiling against his lips and he was _alive_.

One second Keith was kissing him and the next he was climbing onto the bed and collapsing against his chest, hands clutching tighter as great heaving sobs wracked his body.  

“Hey, hey, hey,” he heard Lance shush him gently. Lance pulled one of his hands away to pull Keith’s ponytail loose so he could run his fingers through his hair.

“Don’t leave me again.” Keith whispered.

“Oh, my love,” Lance tightened his grip on Keith’s hair and pulled him as close as he could. He stared up at the ceiling, afraid to close his eyes and fall back into the nightmares. This was real, this was safe, this was home. “I love you too.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ta-dah! We have reached the end! 
> 
> It may not be as heavy angst as some people were expecting and for that I apologize, but this was the story I wanted to write and I'm happy with it. 
> 
> Just a quick lil note about what can be read as implied Sheith in Lance's nightmare; you may also notice that they're very much written as brothers. Lance isn't worried about Shiro taking Keith away romantically, it's just that in my headcanon Shiro wasn't the most approving of their relationship to start with because Lance has been a bit of a bully to Keith, and also Shiro is just worried about them putting their relationship above Voltron. Lance is worried that Keith choosing Shiro's approval over their relationship, and I did have a whole bit in the story that explained this but it felt super clunky and I already issues with the pacing so, it got cut. But I did really want to clarify that one. 
> 
> [tumblr](http://dreamsofbooksandmonsters.tumblr.com/)

**Author's Note:**

> I was just going to make this a one-shot but it was getting out of hand and I was also kind of running out of steam with it, so here's hoping some of you like this and think it's worth continuing. Don't worry I do have more and this will be finished! I just kind of need a push to keep at it, and I need to stop editing and re-editing this bit which I wouldn't do if I didn't post it. Let's be real, I still might edit some of this, I'm the worst. 
> 
> If you want to chat with me about this story/want to beta the next chapters/want to berate me for updates (feel free to do that) you can find me over [here](http://dreamsofbooksandmonsters.tumblr.com/)


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